Give me an Answer
by SiriusBalisticPretzels
Summary: "When you first fall in love, it's supposed to be awful. Awful, uncertain, scary, wonderful, confusing, all at once. That's how you know it's real. You have to care deeply. Passionately.That hurts." –Anonymous. Lenalee learns this through experience. Sequel to Give me a Reason.


**My fellow Fanfictionites welcome to the sequel of Give me a Reason! To new readers who haven't read Give me a Reason it isn't technically necessary that you read that one to read this, but it will definitely give you more background on what I don't go over but reference in the story.**

**This story is in Lenalee's perspective at the point I left off in the last story (there is a small recap of her interpretation) **

**DICLAIMER! I don't own DGM or the quote.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

_"When you first fall in love, it's supposed to be awful.  
Awful, uncertain, scary, wonderful, confusing, all at once.  
That's how you know it's real. You have to care deeply. Passionately.  
That hurts."_

_-Unknown_

* * *

Lenalee was confused. Her mind was reeling as she tried to catch up with what had just happened. Her breath was coming in short pants. Her petit hands cupped her heated cheeks. The teenage exorcist closed her eyes and shook her head side to side in an almost frantic manner, her short brown locks whipped around her face at the forceful action. Lenalee opened her eyes and looked down at the cold stone floor beneath her with a dazed expression.

"What just happened?" she breathed in a hushed tone bringing her arms down and wrapping them around her waist in a kind of self hug.

She looked back at the old cot with the rumbled old sheets and the rickety chair she'd just been occupying moments before….before…. her face blushed anew and her arms drew a bit tighter to herself.

This was preposterous. Whatever she thought just happened did not. It couldn't have. Right?

Her violet eyes took on a glossy sheen in the dim light as her mind wandered back to the events that had just occurred.

_Lenalee had just finished wrapping Kanda's injured hand but she had yet to draw back yet. She couldn't help but revel in the momentary warmth of his larger calloused hand between hers. Even through the layered bandages she could feel the heat radiating from his skin. It was….calming, in an odd sort of way. _

_However, good things can't last forever. She gently placed his hand back in his lap sneaking a glance up at him. He wore an almost perplexed, if that was possible, expression as he stared at their conjoined hands. She slowly slipped her hands from his and gave him a small smile when Kanda turned his dark gaze back upon her._

"_Well, I should probably get going," she unconsciously rubbed her hands together noticing the loss of warmth she felt, "brother is probably throwing a fit because I left in such a hurry." Her mind began to wander a bit to the impending mess she was most likely going to have to deal with when she got back to her brother. _

_She turned and began to walk slowly from the room when a firm grip wrapped around her wrist and tugged her backwards. She shifted awkwardly at the sudden movement her body swayed dangerously, threatening to topple her over right onto the stone floor. However, the hand gripping her wrist jerked her back in a slightly rough manner and a muscled arm pulled her close into the hard chest of Kanda._

"_K-Kanda?" Her mind was in complete chaos. Lenalee looked up to find Kanda's face mere inches from hers, his endless cobalt eyes staring down at her. Her body felt as though it went up in flames. Her face was no doubt an embarrassing shade of red by now, if the smirk playing at the corner of his lips was any indication._

_His chest seemed to press even closer into her. Her face grew hotter as his hand not gripping her wrist, his injured hand she noted absently, slipped down to the small of her back adding additional pressure. Not to mention his knee now resting slightly between hers. His face drew closer to her; Lenalee could feel the loose dark hair from his ponytail brush against her cheek. She was starting to feel a little dizzy._

"_Take the responsibility then," his voice echoed in her head as his warm breath washed over her ear._

"_Wha-What?" Her mind was turning to mush. She could hardly string together a coherent response to his statement._

"_You taught me a reason to live," she felt Kanda lean forward pressing his nose into the hair layered just above her ear, "now be my reason to live." He pulled back slightly resting his forehead lightly against hers staring into her wide eyes. "Take responsibility."_

_The words came out in an almost breathy soft spoken tone, one she had not thought possible for Kanda. The heat of his breath floated teasingly over her lips. She lifted the hand not caught in his firm grip and tentatively reached up. She felt him flinch slightly as the pads of her fingers ran over his cheek, but he didn't pull away._

"_Kanda….I-I—"_

"_LEEEENAALEEEE! My sweet sister! Where have you gone!" The all too familiar voice of her brother rang down the corridor. _

_It was faint enough that Lenalee knew he was nowhere too close by, but that didn't stop her from violently jerking away from Kanda. Kanda released his hold on her back, but the hand gripping her wrist was slower letting go. Lenalee clasped her hands together, twiddling uncomfortably with her fingers. Komui's voice grew softer as he seemed to wander in the opposite direction of her current refuge._

"_Che, annoying."_

_Lenalee's head jerked up suddenly looking at Kanda, dread shot up from her toes twisting her stomach in a nauseous manner. However, she was relieved to find him looking out into the empty corridor and not at her. She watched as he scoffed openly at seemingly nothing and then picked momentarily at the slightly ruffled bandages on his hand. _

_She let loose a soft giggle of amusement as he looked rather annoyed with the stiff wrappings. She squeaked in an incredibly mortifying manner as he shot her a sideways glance. Suddenly she felt nauseous again and her cheeks were burning. She ducked her head down immediately peering at him discreetly through her lashes._

"_Uh- um- I-uh m-make sure you ta-take care of your hand," she squeezed her hands together in a nervous fashion. God, she was a wreck today._

"_Hm," he affirmed shooting her an almost-but-not-really smile that she just barely caught through the darkness. He promptly turned and walked purposefully from the room leaving Lenalee thoroughly flustered and alone._

_What the _hell_ just happened?_

Lenalee stood in the dark trying to sort through what had just occurred. She hardly took note of the fact that she had been standing alone for more than thirty minutes, as her brother was still probably bumbling around the Order calling out her name, if her hadn't yet resorted to more _drastic measures. _She felt incredibly embarrassed, more than a little confused, and completely and utterly shocked.

Whatever it was that just happened was completely out of character for Kanda and herself for that fact. They had almost….almost…She fidgeted and buried her head in her hands again.

They had almost _kissed._

How was she supposed to face him now? She could barely string together a sentence without stuttering like an idiot. Every time she looked into his eyes now all she would be able to think about would be the intense look he had as his breath mingled with hers, while his ebony hair brush against her flushed cheeks. They had been so close if it hadn't been for—

"Ah, Lenalee there you are!"A cheery voice called out suddenly, knocking the frazzled teen from her thoughts.

"Brother," she smiled as he grabbed her hand and began dragging her down the hall jabbering animatedly. She tried to focus on what he was saying, but found her mind constantly drifting back to Kanda. The warmth of his body, the pressure of his hand on her back, the heated look in his eyes, the deep sound of his voice whispering in her ear…

He had asked her to be his reason to live. What did that mean? If it had been any other boy she might have taken it as some sort of proposal for a more _personal_ relationship, but this wasn't any other boy. This was Kanda. Mr. I-don't-need-anybody-but-myself-and-Mugen. So what could he have meant by it? Surely he wasn't asking what she thought— wished—he was asking for.

No, definitely not.

* * *

It had been roughly three weeks since that day and she was positively frantic. She was beginning to feel paranoid. She felt as though everybody knew what had almost happened between her and Kanda. For some reason she found it unnerving.

She couldn't stand within five feet of Kanda without bursting into an uncontrollable series of blushing and stuttering nonsensical gibberish. On more than one occasion she had gotten a strange look of confusion from Allen and an infuriating all-knowing look from Lavi when she would babble like a toddler if they met the swordsman in the halls, the cafeteria, or Komui's office.

She had a feeling that Kanda was taunting her. No matter how stoic or annoyed he looked when they would meet in a variety places. She just knew he must be getting some sort of morbid amusement out of all of this. He could easily have avoided her, but it seemed that he was instead making more frequent appearances around the Order, particularly wherever she was.

It was like dysfunctional flirting in a way. If Kanda even knew how to flirt she had a feeling it's be something like this. However, she would not delude herself so much to think he actually was. He was probably just bored and found her amusing. It was annoying, but honestly she couldn't deny she was inexplicably happy whenever he was around her. No matter how annoying.

She concluded late that night that over time her admiration and appeal had morphed into something more. Something Dangerous.

Something like love.

* * *

About three months had floated by since her moment with Kanda in the old medic's quarters. She hadn't fully allowed herself to accept the fact that she was kinda-sorta in love with Kanda Yuu. The thought was ridiculous really. It was incredibly stupid too, for more than one reason.

She sat slumped over the edge of her bed with her elbows propped heavily near the tops of her knees. She huffed as she gripped her hair in frustration. She wasn't supposed to be like this. She was supposed to be happy and caring not temperamental and negative but she couldn't seem to help it.

When she was growing up she held no illusions of what the world was like. She had seen every angle of life at a young age. She'd witnessed death, greed, hate, anguish, abandonment, betrayal, terror, hopelessness, laughter, joy, love, friendship, optimism; she had witnessed all this and experienced it as well. Despite all this she couldn't help, but fantasize what it might be like to have a husband one day and walk down the street holding hands like she saw so many couples do while she was out on missions. She dreamed of a different life where she would grow up and be swept of her feet and have a fairy tale wedding with her very own prince charming.

But that had been the whimsical dreams of a child stuck fighting a war. This was reality and the thought of being in love terrified her now. She wasn't like the people she would watch walking down the streets. She didn't live in some alternate universe where she could attend school and doodle hearts in the margins of her notebook about the boy sitting two seats over. She was fighting in a war where hundreds had already been killed. She was one of the few left of her kind. She would fight the frontlines. An untimely death was not an unlikely possibility.

If she let herself love Kanda the way she was right now it could only end in tragedy. How could it not? She had already lived through dozens upon dozens of mass funerals for her friends, her _family_ members, if she tried to pursue anything with Kanda or let her feelings grow unchecked and he— her body twitched violently and frustrated tears fell from her eyes, her hands clutched her hair to an almost painful extent. She couldn't even finish the thought.

If he were to….she would break beyond repair. She wiped furiously at her cheeks. It was too much to handle. Yes, falling in love with Kanda was a horrible, horrible idea. But it didn't feel like she had a choice anymore.

She would always love him, of this she was sure.

* * *

Six months had passed astoundingly fast. She distracted herself with a fair amount of missions and helping the Science department keep her brother on task. Lenalee almost had herself convinced that nothing was wrong. Almost.

The frustration she had felt months earlier had dissipated into something akin to an uneasy sensation in the pit of her stomach whenever she was by him. The early stages of uncontrollable blushing and stuttering had subsided and morphed into an uncomfortable tightness in her chest.

Kanda never mentioned what had occurred that day six months ago. He never brought up his cryptic question again. Lenalee took that as a sign that he would much rather forget whatever it was that had happened between them. If he even saw the change that day, she didn't know.

Kanda always seemed to be the oblivious type whenever it came to emotions, whether it is directed at him or him inadvertently directing it at someone else. He didn't seem to understand the implications of certain actions.

Yet, she still loved him. It was her biggest secret. No one could know because she didn't have anyone she felt she could talk to about any of this. One rainy night she had foolishly wished she had a mother she could talk to. A pointless train of thought she should not allow herself to entertain, but did anyway.

She sat in the middle of her mattress her knees drawn to her chest by her arms and her chin rested on her shoulder as she watched the rain run down the stained glass of her window. Her mind trailed off like one of the drops on the glass running down the cool surface. A woman with eyes shadowed by long dark bangs smiled gently and rubbed her back in comforting circles telling her everything would be alright. Boys are silly. Everything will work out the way it's supposed to.

Thunder cracked in the sky jolting her from her pointless dream. Komui was her cherished older brother, her protector, her savior, but there were some roles he could never play.

So she would keep her secret because there was no one to tell.

* * *

"So what exactly happened?" It had taken eight months for Lavi to cut out the sneaky remarks and mischievous smiles and finally ask a straight forward question.

He had cornered her in an empty corridor after lunch. She felt irritated and slightly relieved all at the same time.

"I don't know what you're talking about," she said cocking her head to the side in confusion. She knew exactly what he was talking about.

Lavi just smirked and his sole green eye flashed teasingly as she walked around him down the hall. She tensed in the slightest when she heard his leisurely footfalls fall in step beside her. He really wasn't going to let this go she realized. Lavi never could resist a good story, especially one playing out right in front of him with an all too familiar cast. It wasn't as if she hadn't expected this.

"I think you know exactly what I'm talking about Lenalee," He leaned forward sticking his grinning face right in front of hers. "You've been acting strange these past few months. Everyone's worried," Lenalee frowned at this. That was the last thing she ever wanted. "Of course nobody knows why you're acting like this. That is nobody, 'cept me," the red head declared jabbing his thumb into his chest.

Lenalee stopped abruptly. Lavi stopped a few steps ahead of her and glanced back with a confused look at her dark expression. He smiled sadly. "Hey, what's with the look? It's nothing you should be ashamed about. You're allowed to like somebody, Lenalee."

Lenalee bit her lip and turned her head away from him. "You don't understand," she grit out through her clenched teeth.

She listened as his footsteps drew towards her. She looked up at him, unshed tears in her eyes. He gave her a small frown his head tilted to the side. Her whole body was trembling with bottled emotion. He gave her another one of his melancholy smiles, that didn't feel like a real smile at all. He wore the same mask she did.

"No, I don't. I never will," he placed his hand on her shaking shoulder. The tears where overflowing falling down her cheeks rapidly, she bit her lip to restrain a sob. Lavi pulled her into a hug and patted her head gently.

Lenalee stood stock till for a moment as he patted her head and said nothing. The cap on her bottled up feelings for the last eight months blew off as she wrapped her arms tightly around Lavi and sobbed into his coat. At one point she screamed in frustration and clutched his coat even tighter, he just stood there and patted her head comfortingly.

She was surprised no one had come to see what all the noise was about, but eternally thankful that nobody did. She wouldn't be able to handle it if anyone else saw her in this state.

"Do you want to tell me about it?" Lavi asked in a cautious tone.

She hiccupped and nodded into his chest. She had to tell somebody. Lenalee pulled away from him and walked over a few steps and slid down the stone wall patting the spot next to her as an invitation of sorts. Lavi smiled a real smile as he sat down beside her.

He listened silently as she explained about Kanda hurting his hand, the moment he'd asked her to be his reason to live, the almost kiss, her fear, her hopelessness, her pain, and her love. He sat patiently until she finished.

Lenalee looked down at her hands resting in her lap once she was done. She wondered momentarily if she made the right choice telling Lavi all of this. Sharing her secret no one was meant to know.

Silence reigned for a few peaceful moments before Lavi spoke, "It's like I said earlier Lenalee, you shouldn't feel ashamed about having feeling for someone. I think Yuu likes you too." Lenalee's head shot up and she gave him an incredulous look. That was impossible, maybe this was a mistake after all.

"Don't give me that look. Knowing things is my job," he said with feigned exasperation. He sighed and leaned back into the wall looking up at the ceiling. "He's not very good at expressing himself you know. If he even understands what he's feeling, he's not going to acknowledge it. It's just the way he is. If you're serious about this," he turned his piercing green eye back on her, "it's up to you to make the first move."

Lenalee looked back down at her lap. Her mind felt all muddled again just like it had back then. "I don't know if I can. In the long run it might be better not to say anything at all. Kanda was right when he told me that attachment will only cause pain and hurt others around me."

It was dead silent, until suddenly Lavi laughed. He laughed so loud and freely, Lenalee couldn't help but crack a smile. "Well, well, well! Who knew Miss Lenalee Lee could actually agree with Kanda Yuu on something like that!" He laughed and laughed until Lenalee found herself laughing with him. The whole situation _was_ rather ridiculous.

After a few minutes they both seemed to sober up, however their smiles still remained on their faces. The heavy atmosphere had been replaced by a much lighter glow. Lenalee leaned over and rested against her red headed friend's shoulder with a serene expression.

"Lenalee," Lavi said lightly, "all relationships have problems. You and I know better than most that there is no such thing as the happy ending kids read about in story books. We don't know whether the next mission will be our last. We don't know when this war will end or who will come out on top, but I do know that you deserve to be happy. So does Kanda. Don't deprive yourself your happiness because you're afraid of what the future holds." Lenalee smiled.

"Thank you, Lavi."

* * *

One week. It had taken her an entire week to build up the courage to confront Kanda after her talk with Lavi. After practically eight and a half months she was going to really going to talk to Kanda. Needless to say she was nervous. It had been awhile since she had spoken to Kanda at length outside of missions.

She took a deep breath as she stood restlessly in front of the doors to the dojo where Kanda normally meditates and trains. She could do this. She had to. She steeled her nerves and got ready to open the doors to confront Ka—

"Go in or move."

Lenalee nearly jumped out of her skin when Kanda's voice spoke from behind her. She whipped around and was met with the sight of him in his sleeveless black training shirt and black trousers, the same clothes he'd been wearing that day, with the addition of a medium sized black bag probably holding a few water bottles. Not that that was surprising; Kanda didn't have a wide variety of clothing to choose from. Still it was a little bit flustering for Lenalee.

"Uh- I was just- um-" there she goes with the stuttering again. Her hand clutched the front of her coat over her heart unconsciously.

"Che, move," his strong arms crossed over his chest in obvious irritation.

"Oh, uh- right," Lenalee looked down her cheeks flushed in embarrassment and stepped aside. She felt him brush past her and heard the door slide open, so much for steel nerves. She could hear him sliding the door shut, it was now or never.

Her hand shot out and stopped the door from shutting, just in time to have it closed on her hand.

"Ah! Geeze," she hissed painfully wincing as she pulled back when Kanda snapped the door back open.

"What are you doing?" he asked, his dark eyes narrowed.

"I-uh- wanted to talk to you about something," she answered vaguely, while rubbing her hand absently. It was definitely going to bruise.

He was silent for a moment looking down at her hand. He huffed lightly stepping out of the doorway, taking that as an invitation Lenalee stepped inside the dojo.

Kanda walked to the center of the room and sat down cross legged placing the black bag in front of himself. He began looking through it before pausing and looking expectantly at Lenalee who was still standing in the doorway. She stared back at him for a moment before turning and sliding the door shut with her good hand and going over and sitting in front of him on her knees.

Kanda resumed digging through the black sac until he procured a smaller black zip up pouch.

"Hand," he said suddenly holding out his own.

"What?" Lenalee gave him a confused look.

"Tch," he clicked his tongue in annoyance, then reached down and took her injured hand from her lap.

"Ah! Um- you don't have to worry out that Kanda, it's just a bruise." She offered him a smile and attempted to pull her hand back only to have him grab her wrist. "It's not that ba—" Kanda held her by the wrist, while giving her a good look at her palm where a decently sized scrap of wood had buried itself in her flesh. "Ah, I see," she responded lamely.

Lenalee watched in silent fascination as Kanda drew a pair of gleaming pointed tweezers from the mysterious black zip pouch. She sat silently as he worked. His eyes were concentrated solely on the splinter. She felt the calloused pads of his fingers brush over the underside of her hand. The meaningless gesture caused goose bumps to erupt down her arms. Within minutes the splinter was out. Kanda's thumb ran over where the wood once lay.

"Reckless woman," he stated simply looking up at her his eyes demanding an explanation for her actions.

"I had to talk to you, so I stopped the door from closing…with my hand." She smiled sheepishly.

"What?" His tone was sharp and intimidating. Suddenly Lenalee couldn't seem to look him in the eye anymore. Instead she looked down at her hand that Kanda had yet to let go of. Maybe Lavi was right. Feeling a renewed sense of will Lenalee drew in a deep breath and looked back up with courage shining in her violet eyes.

"I will be your reason to live, if you will be mine!" she declared rather loudly. Her face flushed a deep red she could feel her body's temperature rising with her embarrassment. "What I mean is that-um- I- uh- what I'm trying to say it that I will—that I have always—"

"Lenalee," she couldn't look at him anymore. This was too much. Too embarrassing. She felt exposed and vulnerable. It was excruciating in an entirely new way.

His hand left hers and brushed against her cheek and reached back into her hair. He tilted her head back so she was forced to look at him. She stared breathlessly into his endless cobalt eyes. She felt herself tearing up again.

"Kanda, I-I am in love with you." The confession gave her a feathery light feeling in her chest. Tears began to flow down her cheeks for the hundredth time in the past few months; however these weren't tears of sadness and frustration, they were tears of a different kind. They were tears of happiness and relief.

He pushed the black bag out from between them and pulled her closer so her knees were touching his shins. He uncrossed his legs and pulled her forward so that she was kneeling between his legs, her chest pressed snugly against his. His other arm wrapped tightly around her waist.

"Good," he remarked in an almost haughty fashion as he pulled her roughly forward pressing his lips against hers.

Lenalee slowly responded wrapping one arm around his neck, the other tugged harshly at his hair pulling hair loose from his pristine ponytail. She tilted her head slightly and shifted so she was standing straighter on her knees giving her a better angle.

They pulled apart gasping and panting softly. Kanda's arm tightened around her waist as she buried her head in the crook of his neck. She stayed there breathing in his intoxicating scent of sweet peppers and generic soap. A strange, yet oddly appealing mixture. Lenalee drew back slightly only to, seconds later, lay her forehead against the bridge of his nose.

"I have been trying to tell myself the past few months to just let it go, but the more that I tried the more I realized that I couldn't do it," Lenalee leaned back on her heels looking at him absently wondering how someone could wear such an intense, but soft expression, "I couldn't stop loving you."

Kanda replied by brushing a stray piece of hair behind her ear. She smile sweetly and leaned into his gentle touch. She reached up and placed her hand on top of his resting over her cheek. She could only describe the sensation swelling in her chest as wonderful.

At that moment Lenalee knew this is what love really was. It wasn't perfect. It was flawed and cracked, but that was okay. It was going to be difficult and painful, but they would come out on top. It was a contradiction of strength and weakness. It was so many things, good and bad.

It was love, and it was wonderful.

* * *

**C'est la fin encore!**

**So what do you think? **

**Honestly, I really like it, but I wrote so I'm a bit biased haha. **

**So if some of you are probably like "OMG! WTF! Lenalee was so out of character!" Let me just say this is my interpretation of how Lenalee would act if she fell in love. I mean they are fighting a war! Love is already scary enough on it's own, but you add the fact that the person you love could die at any point! That's some scary shit! I don't know if I could do that! So yeah I had her become a bit depressing and angsty as she worked through her feelings for Kanda. And also I can imagine it was already hard enough because she considers everyone at the Order her precious family so having any of them die would be traumatic, but having your special person die... well that's just a terrifying thought. So I hope you can understand why she would be so hesitant.**

**So in short I wrote a heavier story than just "Be my reason to live." "Okay Kanda!" *kissy face* "I've always loved you, Yuu" "I love you too, Lenalee." haha.**

**Also, for Kanda you have to read between the lines. I just couldn't bring my self to write a spoken confession. He doesn't seem the type to me. So I said it through his actions.**

**I've been working on a sequel for months I have like four different unfinished ones, this is one I started from scratch at like five last night and finished at two in the morning! I'm really happy with the way it's turned out so it'd mean alot if you'd review and let me know what you think as well!**

**Inspiration was the quote in the summary and the songs...**

**Peaches by New Heights**

**Eet by Regina Spektor**

**Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy**

**Samson by Regina Spektor**

**Boston by Augustana**

**Listened to these the entire time I was typing again and again and again!**

**Review please!**

**PS KanLena fans keep an eye out cause I'm planning on posting more stories of this pairing. Some silly and humorous, some angsty and dramatic, all kinds:)**


End file.
